What am I looking for?

It has been almost 5 months since I finished school. And, it has been 3 months since I graduated with a diploma in Chemical Engineering. Honestly, I did had a hard time for the past 3 years in school. I wasn’t excelling like I used to or “supposed” to. Those 3 years were a blur for me. I was so lost in everything I do. I started questioning my choices, and doubting my capability (something that I thought I already overcame during O Levels). And yet, there was I, trying to figure out the 5 Ws and 1 H of my life. 

  1. What do I want to do?
  2. Who do I want to befriend? Who ARE my friends?
  3. Where do I go from here?
  4. When am I gonna start?
  5. Why did I chose this path? Why me?
  6. How?

3 years have passed and I still don’t know half the answers. I used to think believe that I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer. I wanted to work for a pharmaceutical industry and “make” medicine – a well crafted answer I’d give anyone.

I tried. I really did try. To love what I was doing. I was doing it with a purpose. I was doing it for my family. I was doing it for LOVE, out of LOVE. So, I merely walked the past 3 years, ensuring I get a diploma in the end. It didn’t matter how I walked through the journey, it’s the diploma – the end point, that I was “waiting” for.

Looking back today, having just read what I written – “I was doing it for LOVE, out of LOVE.” , it wasn’t really LOVE nor out of LOVE, was it? It was just a way, an excuse – for me, to feel as if I was doing something so great despite the build up of dislike I had (have?) with engineering. An excuse that came into a halt 5 months ago.

I wanted to do something for myself. Something that I’d really like and yet meaningful. There are so many possibilities – I can be a lawyer, a painter, a counsellor, a fashion designer, etc. There’s just a NOT so slight problem – I don’t know what I want, I still don’t. All I know and all I ever “wish” for is to do something great – BOTH for myself and to others. Maybe, I have been watching too many shows about the army but nonetheless, I was filled with so much pride and admiration for these people, for the hardships that they went through. They deserve so much respect. It’s a tough job. A respected profession. A profession were you become the better version of yourself and serve others. Something I’d like to have. Maybe not the army but rather something else?

That’s what I’m looking for.
To do something so great
I will be a better version of myself.
To find a job
Where I will be happy
Serving others.

A short little prayer (by me):
Dear Heavenly Father,
I may not know what’s in it for me.
But I hope whatever it maybe,
You’ll guide me well through it.
Give my heart rest
As I continue to trust in your plan.


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